#MeanwhileInCanada
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Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
Flock of bats
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
Friday night party time 🥳
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!