[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
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Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
Saturday
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
How times have changed.
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
The great thing about playing the trombone is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames