Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
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Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you