Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
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At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
when u come home smelling like another dog