I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
You Might Also Like
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
Here
Here
Here
Here
Here
Here
Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes