Trying
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I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
Mountain Goat : )
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
Wordle 241 1/6
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
This is no longer winter this is harassment
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree