If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
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*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
classic mixup
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but I bet you’ve never asked yourself why we never saw them all together in the same place
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.