once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
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Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
Time for evil
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.