Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
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Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
Maybe my washing machine keeps telling me it has one more minute left in the cycle because it’s connected to the wifi and doesn’t want to stop scrolling TikTok.
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
These are my emotional support Pringles.
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
stop
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet