Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
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Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
My birth announcement for our third baby
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.