My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
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people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..