Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
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murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
Does it…does it take 3 days
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
the prophecies have been fulfilled
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone