I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
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“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
Thursday
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
This was my dad’s browser history.