Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
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My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
I know karate and tons of other words.
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.