If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
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me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
Lmao 🤣
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on