I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
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Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
Quadruple digit IQ
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.