My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
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[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
same bro
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow