Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
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Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
They say women only use 10% of their anger
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Hello, my name is Pierre.
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.