Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
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Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
channeling her this year
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.