I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
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Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.