i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
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“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
The second world war should have been called world war returns
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”