“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
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*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
Order here:
More here:
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.