Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
You Might Also Like
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
need a new bf mines broken 😐
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other