home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
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GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out