How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
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Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done