I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
You Might Also Like
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
ok this is my dumbest yet
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*