4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
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•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
when you order from DoorDastardly
If you are reading this then you are reading this
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.