[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
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Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
😂😂😂