Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
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Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
A completely valid reaction tbh
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings