Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
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My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
Are you ok, human???
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
I received a bank alert text for suspicious activity. I was buying fruit.
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”