“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
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Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
Unexpected Judgment
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
The Struggle
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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Squash
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up