I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
You Might Also Like
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?