me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
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4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
Need this in my life lol
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
This makes total sense…
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.