My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
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[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
kitchen magnet
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
reviewed some movies recently
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*