MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
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Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
#Caturday
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
live, laugh, laundry.
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is