What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
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FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
🤣🤣💀
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
This one’s “Alex”.
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.