DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
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I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
We found love in a hopeless place.
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
That took me a moment.
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
where do you see yourself in five years?
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol