8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
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[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.