I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
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Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
Catering service
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
I’m not wrong
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”