Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
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Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
Ron is short for Aaronald
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history