Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
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Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?