Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
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Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.