Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
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“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
worst…sale…ever
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.