What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
You Might Also Like
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.