SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
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Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.