I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
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Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
not seeing the problem
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete