me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
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There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.