Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
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My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
how was your vacation
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]