My blood type is b hungry.
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Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up