*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
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You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
some Old Testament wisdom
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.